Gifts Under The Tree: There's something for nearly everyone

Gifts Under The Tree: There's something for nearly everyone this gift-giving season.
Dan Kennedy
Friday, December 18, 2009

For husbands everywhere, Tiger Woods. By comparison, we all look good. Even Letterman, Gov. Sanford and former Sen. Edwards said - "See!" It's like going to your wife's high school reunion and discovering the quarterback she could have married is a lot fatter than you, balder than you, and selling used cars. Tiger's another illustration of the principle: if it seems too good to be true, it is. Just like Obama.

For conservatives, Sarah Palin. She's managed to replace the thrill up his leg that Chris Matthews' Obama-induced leg thrill with nightly indigestion and, from the look on his face, constipation. Her million books sold and the crowds at her book signings enrage and confound every liberal pundit who has had their own book published and fast-tracked to oblivion. I think Matthews had a book once, didn't he? Keith Olbermann? That Ed guy? By the way, make no mistake that the reason liberal pundits and media figures favor the return of the mis-named Fairness Doctrine is their bitter resentment of Limbaugh, Beck, and now Palin; because the liberals can't attract and hold an audience, can't sell books, and hate the fact that conservatives do.

For every American, a Nobel Peace Prize. Why not? No accomplishment required. All you need do is think or talk about peace. Heck, just wearing a T-shirt with a peace sign on it might do. Or owning a copy of a Jane Fonda movie. The award clearly has no legitimacy. But as a stocking stuffer, it is amusing. I believe you can get them at Spencer Gifts, and they're cheaper by the dozen.

For my fellow small business owners, all those tax cuts the Great and Powerful Ozbama keeps saying he spent one-third of the stimulus money giving us, but we can't seem to find.

For the 90.4 percent of all American homeowners who pay their mortgages on time and all those who've diligently paid their mortgages off, a lump of coal, and a slap in the face. It's all those in foreclosure that Little Timmy Geithner calls "responsible homeowners" as he pressures banks - including those subsidized with your tax dollars - to re-write and discount their mortgages and erase interest and penalties, and hands out government cash to the delinquent borrowers as well. Now weren't you a silly goose to pay full price?

For President Obama, some instructional literature: A transcript of a Jay Leno monologue in which the comic demonstrated his superior grasp of Economics 101 by suggesting that Obama's insistence that the government must spend us out of the recession is as silly as a drunkard trying to drink his way free of alcoholism. Maybe Larry Summers should be replaced with Leno. Another nice gift we might send: a framed photo of former President Carter, in the White House, huddled in his sweater, telling Americans to turn down their thermostats and sacrifice for the greater good. Maybe a gold-plated tire gauge, too.

For Charlie Rangel, a copy of Quicken, a gift certificate for H.R. Block, and a prescription for memory pills. Forgetting where your keys are, well, we all do that - but misplacing a half million dollars? And forgetting about property you own on a tropical island?

For the aforementioned, increasingly, violently frustrated and agitated Mr. Olbermann, a prescription for medical marijuana, so he can calm down.

For federal government employees earning, on average, 30 percent more than private sector counterparts in the same jobs, according to USA Today, an immediate 25 percent pay cut. (Instead of interfering with compensation paid by private businesses, how 'bout pointing that pay czar at the government's gigantic payroll? The government is broke. When a business is in dire straits, it cuts pay and cuts staff. Time for Uncle Sammy to do the same. (Kudos to USA TODAY for the analysis, by the way. Media doing its job seems as rare as sightings of flying reindeer. But 'tis the season.)

For Al Gore, a cell adjacent to Bernie Madoff's, so the two biggest con artists of our time can enjoy each other's company, and Mr. Gore's enormous carbon footprint can actually be reduced.

For Hillary Clinton, our profound sympathies.