Earth Day Idiots Exposed

Earth Day Idiots Exposed
by Jason Mattera
Posted 04/19/2011 ET
Updated 04/19/2011 ET

Just suck on the exhaust pipe of a gas-guzzling SUV and get it over with already, you eco-princesses!

Hey, if the self-appointed Captain Planets of the globe really wanted to expunge the world of “dirty” carbon dioxide, perhaps they should start by permanently ending the “deadly” fumes they exhale daily, no?

It would be one thing if these "environmental" activists expressed their undying love for the Earth by only stuffing their pants with a month’s supply of Kashi bars before chaining themselves to oak trees across the country.

I can live with that. The fewer Kashi bars in supermarkets, the better.

But we know that liberal granola crunchers don’t keep their obsession with the climate to themselves—they attempt to impose their bizarre way of living and caveman worldview on the rest of us, in the name of saving the planet.

To wit, over the weekend our friend Brian Sussman from KSFO attended an early Earth Day festival in Santa Cruz, Calif., capturing on film all the Woodstock retreads adorned with their flip-flops, long beards (men and women), and Hula-Hoops—each one attempting to outdo the other on who can say the most preposterous thing on camera.

“What we can do as individuals is to first have smaller families,” one aging hippie noted.“Smaller families live better. And, second, is to support family planning all over the world.”

He added: “Because each person contributes a certain amount of carbon dioxide every year, and a certain amount of every other resource, so by keeping the population more stable we can reduce those problems.”

Good. Start with your family, champ.

Now how about deep thoughts on the composition of modern-day slavery?

“If there are fruit trees everywhere, then it helps liberate people from the money-slavery system so they can do less working for money and more unpaid charitable voluntarism that really inspires their heart,” said one dude whose grungy facial hair was definitely home to a variety of insects.

This guy really, really liked fruit trees by the way: “I’ve even lived in Santa Barbara, California, and climbed barefoot into certain kind of fruit trees—figs or persimmons—and eat the fruit straight from the tree when it's fully ripe because then it has vital life-force energy.”

I’m not sure what that even means, but okay.

Seriously, you really gotta watch the entire video, and then thank the Good Lord that His grace has steered you away from being the one who was wasting his Saturday afternoon fantasizing about “terraforming” the universe.

Yes, “terraforming,” as in “planetary engineering,” as in, “I’m a loser who reads comic books at the entrance of Whole Foods but doesn’t go in because I have no money.”

Said this Earth Day stoner: “The one thing that we really can do because the Earth is going to die eventually is to start ‘terraforming’ other planets, which is not immediately a possibility, but we need to work towards that goal.”

Naturally, vehicles of any size were verboten amongst this crowd.

“I have a very low impact. I don’t own a vehicle. I use Rideshare,” one chick bragged. “I’m hitchhiking around the country trying to get people to share their vehicles and share their gas.”

Actually, thumbing a lift was encouraged by this California Earth Day crowd, as one of the eco-warriors implored us to “find a way to do anything but drive your car...live near work, walk to work, get a bicycle, ride your bike, take a bus. Find another way.”

And capitalism? Well capitalism is like deodorant at these "environmental" demonstrations: despised.

“Traveling and buying new things, that’s actually part of the problem,” said one self-described anarchist. “That is the problem. We’re addicted to it, and we are capitalist creatures. We have to realize that and kind of wean ourselves from that.”

Moral of the story: As this Earth Day approaches on April 22, be on the lookout for smelly hitchhikers who will simultaneously ask for a ride while they condemn us for owning a car, as we get lectured on the evils of big families, carbon footprints, and running toilets, before we’re treated to a mind-altering conversation about the vital life energy that’s contained in fig trees.

You’re looking forward to the philosophizing dirty hippie bumming a ride, aren’t you? Be honest.