By John Hawkins
5/1/2012
For reasons that are hard to fathom, we've recently had conservative after conservative publicly agreeing that Barack Obama is amazingly super cool. This is bizarre because they've been convinced of this by the same old liberal hype machine at work. Remember when fashion magazines were regularly declaring that Michelle Obama, who is the worst dressed First Lady in living memory, was some kind of fashion icon? How about when Sharon Stone was telling people that Hillary Clinton was just too sexy to be President? Now the coolest man alive is supposed to be Barack Obama because he dances almost well enough to have been an extra on American Bandstand?
Really? Seriously?
Besides, since when did anyone in politics become "cool?" Maybe Obama is "cool" compared to Harry Reid or Mitch McConnell, but the effeminate guy in the White House that people compare to Urkel isn't "cool" by any normal standard of cool. There is a reason politics is called "showbiz for ugly people." If some empty suit who reads dull speeches from his teleprompter and then heads off to golf could really be "cool," Mick Jagger, Dwayne Johnson, and Tim Tebow would be politicians instead of doing what they do.
Know what cool isn't?
1) Geek biking: When you imagine a "cool" person riding a bike, what does he look like? He’s probably riding a badass motorcycle, looking vaguely threatening, like he could hop off and put a foot in your behind if he were so inclined -- kind of like this picture of Allen West. You might also imagine someone sitting on a four wheeler, powering it across a muddy stream after an off-roading session -- kind of like Sarah Palin. President Nerdly Nerdison, on the other hand, looks like such a tool on a bike that he probably needs the Secret Service to keep 6th graders from pummeling him and stealing his lunch money every time he goes out riding.
2) Mom jeans: Yes, there's nothing cooler than a man who steals mom jeans from Kathy Lee Gifford's closet so he can girlishly throw out the first pitch of the 2009 MLB All-Star game. Betty White could have well gone out in his place. They would have worn the exact same outfit and she probably has a better arm.
3) Confusing a door and a window at the White House: Who was the last person to confuse a window with a door at your house? Actually, it probably wasn't a person. More likely, it was a bird whose teeny, tiny brain told him "clear sailing" right before he slammed into the window and thudded to the ground dead. Speaking of teeny, tiny brains, in a Gerald Fordesque fit of dopiness, Barack Obama was actually completely puzzled when he wasn't able to walk into the White House. Through a WINDOW.
4) Making fun of kids in the Special Olympics: I thought anti-bullying campaigns were the hip, new thing. At least that's the impression you'd get from Lady Gaga. Either someone never gave Barack Obama the message or he comes at it out of that Dan Savage "I'm a bully who's against bullying" school of thinking. We know that because Obama went on Jay Leno and said his bowling looked like the Special Olympics. That was classy, huh? Melissa Clouthier, who wrote for Right Wing News at the time, talked about having a special needs child and noted that his Little League teammates, "haven’t laughed or poked fun. Not. Once. They have managed to show more class, patience, empathy and charity than the President of the United States." I guess, unlike Obama, they just didn't realize how incredibly cool it was to make fun of special needs kids.
5) Thinking there are 57 states: Dan Quayle, who probably has 30 IQ points on Barack Obama, was permanently branded an idiot for misspelling potato when it was spelled incorrectly on a card that was given to him by the school. Barack Obama, on the other hand, thought there were 57 states, signed a guestbook 2008 in 2011, thanked the "fallen heroes" in the audience, and even ended up thanking himself once because the teleprompter told him to. In other words, he's like Joe Biden, who nobody thinks is cool, with twenty less IQ points.
6) Bowing: We've come a long way from "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour!'” or "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" to Barack Obama bowing like a manservant to dictators. Since when was Alfred the Butler cooler than Bruce Wayne? When did standing tall like a man become less cool than bowing like a servile little apple polisher to the Saudi King or the Chinese Prime Minister?
7) Eating dog: A lot of people actually misunderstand the Buffet rule. It actually means Obama wants all the Poodle, Corgi, and Chihuahua he can eat at state dinners. Maybe that's not even a joke. After all, nobody knows when Obama last ate dog or for that matter, whether he'll pledge not to eat his dog Bo if he's elected to a second term. When did eating Scooby Dooby Stew, Eggs rover easy, and Yorkshire pudding pups become stylish? It actually seems kind of strange and disgusting.
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